Seven stages
by emilionaomikins
Summary: *SPOILER ALERT* do not read if you haven't seen the end of Skins Fire or if you want the end to be different. This was supposed to be a two chapter "one shot", but it grew, the first chapter is my thoughts on the ending . The rest is the actual story which I hope answers some of the questions I, and maybe you, had after the end of the episode.
1. Chapter 1

Seven stages

This is not the story but a therapy session because I feel cheated and there are things I need to get off my chest before launching into the story proper, so bear with me please? Also sorry if I state the obvious.

I'm writing a one shot and it will be the next chapter so don't feel like you have to read this first, it's more to help me so I can continue with my other stories without feeling like there's no point because of the ending of Skins Fire. It might be of interest, it might be incoherent ramblings.

There were a lot of positives from Skins Fire. As a piece of drama I thought it was really high quality, both in terms of the script and the acting, Kaya, Kat but especially Lily were outstanding. It was beautifully shot and even the ending Naomily scenes, although not the outcome we wanted, were beautifully poignant.

The beauty of Naomily in gen 2 was that as well as being lesbians they were depicted as a couple, they were part of a group of friends, they weren't perfect, they had ups and downs like anyone, but the strength of their love got them through in the end. That came across really well in Fire, maybe even more so because now they were clearly both very comfortable with their sexuality and they were living apart.

The brief scenes Naomily featured in confirmed a lot of what I love about them - their sweetness when they were giggling and taking the piss out of Effy and Jake at the dinner party, the silly faces, the massive sexual chemistry as evidenced by the vocal off screen sex scene, how Naomi was so proud of Emily when she was looking at her photos, the whole airport scene and don't even get me started on Naomi's mouthed 'thank you' to Effy as Emily sobbed in her lap. But more on that in the story proper.

In some ways I also thought it was fitting that Naomi was shown as the strong one, the protector of Emily, the one who was vocal about how they were Naomi and Emily, nothing else matters because they love each other. During S3&4 it was Emily who was sure right until S4Ep8 when Naomi confessed she'd always known Emily was the love of her life too.

All of these things are why we fell in love with the characters, why they mean so much to a lot of people and are common themes in a lot of the fanfic stories. For me, their story and the way it unfolded resonated a lot especially how meeting someone you just know you're meant to be with can often give you the strength needed to admit you're gay, even if it is a bumpy or scary ride at first.

Which is why the ending was so upsetting and generated such feeling - we knew it wasn't just about Naomi dying, Emily is never going to be the same again either, just as Naomi feared on the roof.

I've watched it a few [ok lots] more times and after my outrage/ upset had dissipated I realised what really, really bugged me wasn't the ending as such, devastating as it was. It was the fact that this deserved to be a whole Naomily story. Tearing them apart had the biggest impact in Skins Fire, so the fact it was done as a side story, didn't do it or these iconic characters the justice they deserved.

Then I started to think about why skins did it this way and a few thoughts occurred to me. One I cynically think they knew the ratings would be a lot higher if they could bill it as Effy's story but shoe in Naomily. Don't get me wrong, I love Effy, but insider trading, topical as it is, isn't exactly thrilling is it? It's no coincidence this is the last series, ratings fell steadily after S4, and they clearly know gen 2 characters were the most popular as two of the stories feature four of them.

Also, if it was a Naomily episode in its own right, there would be difficulty in getting some of the important cast back. For instance, there's no way Gina wouldn't be there – but I doubt Olivia Coleman would return given how successful she is.

I also wondered about Lily and Kat's feelings about the characters, I think they're both really proud to have been associated with skins, but to them it's in the past. In some of the interviews, both post s4-8 and pre fire, they seem to be a bit puzzled at how much people love and are devoted to Naomily and how this sometimes translates to reactions to them as people. Kat was really quick to say she found it odd when people told her or Lily they loved them, because people didn't know them and they are nothing like Emily and Naomi in real life. They also suggested that they thought their acting in S3&4 was appalling, so this was a much better showcase for them. Kat describes herself primarily as a photographer these days and Lily has appeared in other things so I can understand as actors how something more meaty and a chance to final close the door on characters who'd become a phenomenon in their own right might be appealing, especially if you don't want to lose out on work because everyone thinks of you as Naomi or Emily from skins years after it finished.

Then I got to thinking about the range of stories on the FF website. Although there are some that offer alternative versions of particular skins episodes, the vast majority are AU and yes they use scenes or snippets of dialogue from S3&4, but they take on a life of their own. The possibilities are endless and therefore it's more the essence of Naomi or Emily that is depicted rather than a faithful resemblance to what happens to them in the series. As long as they feel like the characters we know and love, anything can happen to them and we find it believable. This is also true of the other gen 2 characters, for example I often have Naomi and Effy as flat mates or best friends and that was way before Fire just because it felt right to me. How many Keffy stories exist? That was never something that featured in the series but people write about it as a development because they enjoy writing the dynamic.

There has been a lot of criticism of "delusional, crazy skins fans" and maybe some of the reaction was extreme, but I'm going to take Skins Fire for what it was - one of the possible endings Naomily could have, but someone else's story no different to the wide variety found all over this site. The fact it was the "official tv one" is irrelevant - look at how many variations there were after the end of S4, it didn't stop people writing different paths for the pair of them, so nor should this.

So I'm writing a one shot that will be posted here as chapter 2, based on what happens after Emily finds out and then post hospital scenes, because I do think it was skimmed over in the episode, when much more should have been made of them as key characters not as a side story.

Thanks for listening if you still are, maybe you agree or maybe not. But either way thank you Skins for showing us where brunette Naomily ended up and it was pretty amazing, but you'll have to excuse me after this as I need to get back to my stories where there's a blonde and a redhead with a world of possibilities ahead of them.

If that makes me delusional, so be it.


	2. Shock and denial

**Seven Stages**

**A/N: I was doing this as a one shot but actually I'm posting as I go along, so it will probably be a two or maybe three shot. **

**There are apparently seven stages of grief - shock, disbelief, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression and acceptance. I was going to put the story into sections under each heading but it was pretty difficult as sometimes things leapt around. So anyway, I've tried to write them in broadly in order but allowed some overlaps along the way.**

**If you read the preamble chapter you'll know this is probably the only story I'll write based on Fire. After this I'm going back to my fluff (mixed with a bit of angst of course) and I hope you'll join me.**

**As ever let me know what you think.**

* * *

You tilt your head as you line up the camera, _perfect_, you think as your finger hovers over the shutter release.

_Naomi's going to love this one._

You have no idea why she pops into your head at at moment, but then again being apart so much means she often does, you're always storing information to tell her the next time you Skype or speak on the phone.

A vibrating in your pocket tips you off balance, it's only slight but it's enough to make the butterfly flap its wings and fly away.

"Shit!" you curse loudly, you've been waiting to get that shot, not making a move and now it's ruined.

"What's the matter Em?" Your fellow intern AJ asks with a grin.

"I was waiting to get the right shot and my bloody phone rang." You say exasperatedly.

He shrugs nonchalantly, "Better get used to it, that or switch your phone off."

You know it shouldn't be switched on, not when you're working, but Naomi's been erratic when she rings lately and you hate to miss her calls. E-mail is a God send, but it's not the same as hearing her voice or seeing her on screen. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps you sane now you're across the Atlantic.

You reach for the phone intending to switch it off, the missed call was Effy, not Naomi. Before you have a chance to call back it rings again. This time you answer.

"Effy, this had better be important, you just cost me the perfect photo." You say only half joking.

Silence.

You wonder if she dialled by mistake, a clumsy redial from the bottom of a pocket or bag.

"Effy are you there?"

You're about to hang up when a small noise at the other end stops you. It sounds like a 'yes' but you can't be sure.

"This is getting creepy. Effy say something for Christ's sake." You're clearly running out of patience.

"You need to come home."

Nothing else, just an instruction.

"Has Naomi put you up to this because she's still mad I won't be back for Christmas? I can't get any time off, holidays are much shorter here. I'll be back in a couple of months as planned." You explain.

"No Emily, you need to come home now."

The desperate edge to her voice turns your blood to ice in your veins.

"Why Eff? What's wrong? Tell me, is it Naomi?"

Your own desperation is evident, Effy never rings you, yes you speak, but often in the middle of a call to Naomi, never out of the blue.

"She's sick." Effy's voice has a waver that fills you with dread.

Your mind is racing, full of possibilities, she's sick, just those words, but Naomi can't be, you'd know, she loves you, she'd tell you.

"How can she be sick all of a sudden, she was fine when I last spoke to her."

You hear your optimistic tone, the one that instantly dismisses the notion your girlfriend is ill, the one that banishes the dark thoughts.

"She's not fine. I wouldn't ring otherwise." Effy is gentle, but firm.

Thwack, thwack, thwack. If you hit them away fast enough it makes them not true.

"Effy, I spoke to her the other day." You force cheeriness.

"In person."

The question unnerves you. "Email,"

Your response is quiet, unsure, as the doubt creeps in again. You rack your brains for the last time it was face to face, one week? two? over a month? Alright then a phone call. You still can't recall exactly when you spoke to her instead of pinging messages back and forth.

You refuse to give in, "Ok, so she's sick, but it's not serious. I was home a few months ago, she was the picture of health, all of her."

You recall the nights of loud lovemaking, passionate and energetic. Naomi's naked body completely joined to yours, the body you know like the back of your hand, you'd notice something different.

"Remember the afternoon Naomi said she had to do something? So you went and took some photos for your portfolio?" Effy prompts.

Of course you do, you'd been miffed she wanted to do something without you, especially as you were only there for a few days, her seductive smile and promise she'd make it up to you softened the blow a little. But you stay silent as if somehow acknowledging it makes it more real.

"We went to the hospital, for tests."

Every word stabs you like a knife, especially we.

"What is it? What's wrong?" You don't want to know, but you must.

"Emily, she's got cancer. The treatments didn't work, that's why you need to come home."

The air sucks from your lungs as soon as you hear the word cancer, the rest of the sentence is lost as pictures of doctors in white coats, prodding and probing, monitors bleeping, machines whirring. You lose your grip on your camera and watch in slow motion as it smashes on the floor. AJ just manages to catch you as your legs buckle. You grip the phone tightly, it's your only lifeline to her.

"Emily... Emily... Emily..."

Effy calls your name, finally you respond.

"I'll be on the next plane."

* * *

You glide through the airport, you're not really sure how you even got here. AJ propels you along, supporting you, just like he has since you nearly fell in the park. He hands you a bag, a blue rucksack, it isn't familiar and you try to throw it away.

"Emily, it's some clothes, toiletries, things you'll need."

A sob escapes, all you need is Naomi, all you've ever needed is her.

AJ guides you to the ticket desk, the woman stares at you like she is unsure whether you should travel, "Have you been drinking ma'am?"

You shake your head.

"She needs to get home, family emergency, she's just a bit shocked." He states confidently.

The woman nods, "we only have first or business class available."

You look in anguish, there's no way that's possible, you begin to cry.

"Fine, we'll take a first class ticket. " He says as he hands over a credit card.

You snap out of your fug, "I can't repay..."

AJ smiles, "Sweetie, repay me whenever and you've already done so much for me. I'm Daddy's little rich boy remember?"

"But..." You begin.

"Emily, just go, be with her, she needs you." He says.

You smile gratefully. "Thank you."

He kisses your cheek, "If you need anything else..."

You nod, "I'll call you, I promise."

You go through the gate and you're reminded of the last time you were here, how excited you were that you were off to London to surprise Naomi. You're on auto pilot, going through some stupid motions, ones that never ended up being so serious. You've never traveled first class, you wish you could tell Naomi, it'd make her laugh. And suddenly all you want is for her to laugh, to understand you'd travel to the ends of the earth for her, as long as she's ok.

You board the plane and sit in anticipation, you're waiting for someone to catch you out, but then you remember that your ticket means you can legitimately be here. The stewardess offers you a glass of champagne, you take it and finish it in one. Champagne, for celebration, but you don't feel like it's a party. Once airborne, you shift uncomfortably in your seat, staring out of the window, desperately trying to sleep. You look at the magazine and realise that you can access the Internet and that's it, you hoover up information, researching different types of cancer, treatments, alternative therapies, maybe there's a second opinion. Anything if it means a little bit of hope.

You feel the bump as you land, you must have drifted off to sleep. You panic, you're not ready for this, how can you be?

All you have is the blue rucksack, so you don't even need to wait for baggage reclaim, you go through passport control and the cacophony of sound in the arrival hall greets you. Families being reunited, lovers connecting, friends joining together.

And then you see her, you hate her, the fact she's kept this from you, the fact she's allowed you to be in New York, when you should have been here, with Naomi, all this time.

She smiles, "Hey, how are you?"

You stare, how the fuck does she think you are?

Your hand moves without you realising until it slaps her across the cheek. You walk away and you don't even care if she follows.

Outside you go to the cab rank, eventually you feel her next to you.

"Em..." She says unsurely.

"Shut the fuck up Effy."

And she does.

You stare through the window of the cab as the London skyline comes and goes from view. All you think about is her, how will she look, your beautiful, strong, confident woman. The person who made you understand it was ok to love girls, no... a girl. The one who always, no matter how far apart you were, made everything right in your world.

The cab stops outside the hospital and you realise you need to get out, to face this. Effy makes a slight move as you leave, no fucking way this is going to happen.

"Stay where you are. Do you not think you've already taken enough away from me as it is? You... You didn't even deserve this time with her. You stole it from me."

"She wouldn't let me..."

You don't care, Effy is your friend too and you need somewhere to focus your anger. You close the door and watch as the cab pulls away.

You take a deep breath and make your way inside. You walk down faceless corridors until you arrive at the oncology ward. Then you see her, fast asleep, like she doesn't have a care in the world. Your heart swells at that point, filled with so much love it almost destroys you.

You find a nurse, ask to speak to her Doctor.

He smiles kindly, "Are you a relative?"

"No, I'm her girlfriend."

The fact that all you are is her girlfriend hits you hard, one day you were supposed to be her wife, maybe the mother of her children, but right now you're nothing.

"Naomi is very sick, we're trying to make her as comfortable as possible." He begins.

You shake your head, "There has to be something else. I've researched it, can't you try?"

Another kind smile, "Sorry, we have tried everything. Please believe me, we did explore other options, unfortunately they didn't work."

Then it hits you, she won't be here anymore, she's dying.

"Fuck. How long?"

"We're not sure. It might be days or months." He utters.

"Surely you know? You're a doctor, it's your job to know these things." You scream at him.

"Fine, I wasn't sure if you wanted to know. Naomi has a few weeks at best and it will be hard, punishing, depressing." He states.

It's like someone has repeatedly punched you in the face.

"I'll deal with it." Because you love her.

You make your way back to the ward, Effy is there, staring, you make your way over.

"I can't go in."

Effy smiles.

"I just need more time."

"There isn't more time Emily."

"I'm so angry with her."

"She's dying."

"I know."

Effy hugs me, "hey, look at me, be strong for her, like she was for you."

You nod and smile sadly at her.

Then you walk into the room and pick up the sheet. Naomi turns and the look on her face as she realises you're here is priceless. You stroke her head, the lion's mane of brunette you're finally used to is gone. You look at her and then suddenly everything overwhelms you as you realise she won't be here anymore. And you cry, uncontrollable sobs, as your head collapses in her lap.

You didn't try to be strong because you don't feel strong. How can you? When your whole world has ended and nothing is ever going to be right again?


	3. Anger

Seven stages - Anger

**AN: I said this was mainly going to be Emily's story but this is from Naomi's pov. We've done shock and disbelief, as the title suggests this is mainly about anger.**

**It's taking a bit longer than anticipated and I will get back to my other stories afterwards. ****  
**

**I know it's not the easiest topic so I really appreciate all those who have read, alerted and reviewed. ****I'll do my best to respond to all reviews as quickly as I can.**

* * *

You watch as she falls into your lap, her tears instantly soak into the sheets. For a brief moment she tried to fight it, you could see the determination in her eyes, but then she buckled.

You look up and smile at Effy. "Thank you."

She smiles back and nods as she walks away. There's a finality to her body language, you've been dipping in and out of sleep over the past few days so haven't really spoken to her properly about what she's going to do. There is a steeliness about her that suggests she's done the right thing, given up that slimy bastard of a boss and admitted she's screwed up.

You stroke Emily's hair, enjoying the familiarity of it all, the simple fact she's here instantly makes everything better, in fact you can't remember why you didn't want her to come.

She looks up at you with teary eyes and then you remember, that's why, because you don't want to see her in so much pain and you definitely don't want to be the one responsible.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asks.

You gently stroke her cheek, "You know why."

She shifts, stands up and you feel her go into combat mode, "I said, why didn't you tell me? Don't bat it back Naomi, it's fucking irritating."

"What would you have done?" You ask.

She glares at you, "Er, come straight home, been here to support you, not been half way across the world as my girlfriend had to deal with this shit."

She spits out the words and you hide a smile, it'll only irritate her more if you tell her how adorable she looks.

"Which is why I didn't tell you. You worked your tits off to get that internship, it's not fair for me to make you give it up." You reply.

"For fuck's sake Naomi, it's not like you've got a cold. You weren't asking me to come home because you need a bit of TLC or some fucking soup, you've got..."

She pauses and you see her struggling.

"Cancer." You finish the sentence for her.

Her shoulders sag and she starts to cry again, "I just don't understand how you could keep something like this from me."

You hold out your arms and she falls into your embrace. "At first, I thought there was no point in worrying you, it'd all be over soon, I'd get treated and there was no need for you to think you had to come back."

She sniffs, "So what? I'd find out at some point in the future? Maybe you could use it in your stand up routines. Funny thing happened to me the other day..."

"Actually, I did use it in my last routine, people didn't seem that comfortable..."

She stares at you coldly, "So half of London knew before I did then?"

You look sheepish, "the audience wasn't that big..."

"You fucking cunt Naomi. All this time, and all you can do is joke about it. Ha fucking ha, I have cancer. Were you ever going to tell me? Or was it always Effy who was going to make the call?" She spits as she rises again.

You glance away, immediately regretting the fact she knows.

"Seriously? Oh Christ, you're shitting me? Don't you think I deserved to know? You're my girlfriend, I love you, we're supposed to be in things together. Is that how little I mean to you?" She rails.

"It's because you mean everything to me!"

The strain of screaming causes you to gag, Emily looks in horror as vomit spews from your mouth, there's blood in it this time, a new devlopment. Emily's hand flies to her mouth and you realise this is the first time she's seen you like this. Possibly the first time she understands this is real.

The shock on her face is exactly why you wanted to spare her this. Why you didn't want her to see you crumble.

You were both pretending everything was normal, the usual stubbornness leading to a fight, you'd shout at each other before storming away to cool off. Once you'd both calmed down, you'd sheepishly find each other, a mumbled apology would follow, an olive branch that started with a kiss and inevitably lead to phenomenal make up sex.

Suddenly she's holding you, "Sorry... Sorry... Sorry..."

Eventually you pull apart, you give her a weak smile, "you're sitting in my puke."

She strokes your cheek, "Wouldn't be the first time..."

"Probably the last though..." As soon as the words escape you realise how insensitive they sound.

"THIS ISN'T FUCKING FUNNY NAOMI!"

"I know."

"This has been sprung on me, you've had time to get used to it." Emily shouts.

"I'm not used to it, none of it. You think I'm ok? I have to leave you. You think this is something I chose? I promised you I'd never hurt you again, how do you think that makes me feel? Knowing that I can't keep that promise? In fact I'm going to break it in the cruelest way possible." You say quietly as tears sting your eyes.

You see her anger diminish, but the fact it's replaced by despair isn't any better, "there must be something else? A second opinion? I researched it on the flight over, there are a lot more treatments these days, things they can do..."

You shake your head sadly, "there isn't anything baby, don't you think I've asked?"

"Alright, but what if you had some more chemo? That'd at least give us some more time together wouldn't it?" The desperate edge to her voice makes you wish the answer was different.

"Emily, the chemo nearly killed me. It's horrible, the pain is so intense and it makes you so sick the cancer is almost preferable. You don't realise how awful it is." You say gently.

The determined stare is back, "I wouldn't would I? I wasn't here when you went through it."

"Em, I didn't want people to see me like this, I feel ugly and disgusting." You explain.

She stops and smiles, "You're beautiful"

"And you're still a shit liar." You quip.

"Naoms, you always were and always will be the most beautiful woman in the world to me, I've known that since I was 11." she replies.

Suddenly she stares at you and you know the next question.

"What do you mean you don't want people to see you like this?" Emily asks.

You refuse to make eye contact.

"Naomi, please tell me you've told Gina." She pushes.

"She's busy saving Orang-utans in Borneo." You mumble.

"Naomi! She's your fucking mother. She'd be here in a heart beat if she knew." Emily chastises.

"I don't know how to tell anyone. I mean how do you even start that conversation? Hi Mum, how's the jungle? Oh by the way is there any chance you can pop back home? The reason? I'll be dead soon, best visit me while you can." Even you can hear the bitterness in your voice.

"Do you want me to do it?" she asks nonchalantly as she strips the sheet.

You know it's partly a distraction, by offering to phone your Mum she doesn't have to acknowledge what you've just said, face the truth that you're dying. And that's exactly why you love her so much, why you've always loved her, because she's ying to your yang and has always been fearless when it comes to you.

You nod, "I know it makes me a coward."

Emily shakes her head, "You're one of the bravest people I've ever met."

You smile, "that's not what you used to say."

"I won't be long. I'll get someone to change the bedding as well." She states.

You lie back on the mattress, you feel tired, a nurse comes into the room and remakes the bed. Outside you hear strains of a tearful conversation, you know it's one you should be having, but you're not sure you have the energy.

You smile wearily as she renters the room, her eyes are red from the freshly spilt tears, "She's coming back as soon as she can. Probably the day after tomorrow."

"Christmas Day." Your voice sounds like a small child's.

Emily climbs back on to the bed next to you and curls into your side, "is it ok to kiss you?"

"I thought you'd never ask." You respond as your lips connect with hers.

At that moment nothing else matters, everything is as it should be, you and Emily forever, it's not important how long that is.

"I'm glad you're here." You say quietly.

She softly strokes your cheek and smiles sadly, "there's nowhere else I'd rather be."


	4. Bargaining part 1

**A/N:**

* * *

You blink as the light comes through the window. She's sleeping, and just as you've done for the last couple of days you watch her. You mean it, she was always the most beautiful woman you encountered, always the most stunning. There's a glow around her, a presence that drew you towards her, like a moth to a flame. You smile at that, realising just how self destructive that might be.

She stirs and opens her eyes. "Happy Christmas."

You smile, and then you feel sad. This is the last time you'll experience it, you're so used to firsts with her, accepting the lasts is hard. She was the first girl you kissed, the first person you loved, the first sex, the first everything.

You have no idea how you'll manage, but you pretend, just for her, because you can't stand to make this harder.

"I've got presents. Not great ones, but as much as I could manage. Shall we sleep a bit more and then open them later? Gina said she'll be arriving around lunch." You inform her.

She shakes her head, "can we open them now? Just the two of us."

"Ok, but like I said they're pretty shit." You confirm.

"Em, nothing you ever got me was shit..." She replies.

You stare at her and remember the time you bought her a kettle when you were at uni, it was all you could afford and you bloody well needed it.

You got such a bollocking, "buy me anything again with a plug and I'll kill you."

You sit up and give her the first present.

"Ooh, squishy. Not really sure what this is. It's not your normal pattern." She challenges.

She rips the paper open and finds a blonde wig, "Jesus Em, I know you weren't exactly comfortable with the brunette, but come on?"

"Fuck off." You say with a smile.

She smiles back, "I'll look like a tramp."

"If the wig fits..." You reply.

"Emily Fitch, you're an evil woman." She quips back.

"No, I just know what looks good on you." You stare at her.

"You always know what's best for me, why do I try to fight it?" She confirms.

Suddenly you grow serious, "now this one."

You hand over the box, it's small but anyone can tell it's old.

She opens it, sees the ring inside and her head snaps up. You give her a steely stare. She gasps as you bend onto one knee.

"Naomi, will you marry me?"

She looks at you and then starts to laugh, "No."

You rise, "what do you mean no?"

She smiles at you, "Em, really? You want to get married for a couple of weeks? How fucked is that?"

"But... I thought..." You purse your lips, "isn't this what we wanted?"

Naomi shakes her head, "I wanted to grow old with you. Have a long life, kids, everything. It's not fair to legally tie you into this when I'm not going to be here soon."

"Who the fuck are you to decide whether it's fair? Is it fair the woman I love is dying? Is it fair that my fucking soul mate, the person who I struggle to comprehend my life without won't be here? Who gave you the right to decide Naomi?" You scream.

"No one. I just don't want you to be in a commitment you can't get out of." She answers.

"You'll be dead soon, pretty easy to get of don't you think?" You snarl back.

She sighs, "please stop being a twat, I'm the one dying."

Suddenly, you want to punch her, "oh, sorry, I forgot that."

You glare at her and see her mouth twitch.

"Just don't Naomi." You can tell your own smile isn't far off.

"I love you." She states.

You shake your head, "I love you too."

You climb back onto the bed and snuggle into her body.

"Ok." She says as you cuddle up.

"What do you mean ok?" You question.

"Yes, I'll marry you, but only as long as you promise to finish your internship, deal?" She sets out the terms.

You smile, "ok, never thought I'd get bossed around by my wife."

She snorts, "You're Emily Fitch I don't think you get bossed around by anyone."

* * *

You're giggling on the bed when she enters the room.

"Taxi fare from Heathrow was horrendous." Gina states.

Naomi sighs, "hi Mum."

Gina walks to the bed, reaches down and strokes her daughters's head, "we'll fight this ok? Destroy it, together."

She looks at you, "You didn't tell her?"

You shrug, "Didn't think it was ok over the phone. Oh and what did you tell her?"

Naomi looks at the floor and then glances up towards her Mum, you see that Gina finally understands.

You smile, "pretty crap eh?"

"Oh God, sweetheart, if I could swap places with you I would." She says nearly in tears.

"I know. And I'm sorry. I thought it would be better if anyone didn't know." Naomi offers.

Suddenly Gina is raging, "Oh yes, that would be easier wouldn't it? Not having to deal with this shit."

"Gina, Naomi's being a bit of a knob, we know that." You explain.

Suddenly she smiles, "You were always the sensible one Emily love."

Naomi shrugs, "Always far too good for me, apparently we're getting married."

"Ohh, planning and everything?"Gina says with a smile.

Noami folds her arms and you're not sure you've ever loved her more.

"Yeah Gina, plans." you state.

Gina stares at you, "thank you."

"Er hello? Cancer, dying?" Naomi states.

"Shut up Naomi!"

You say it together and although it's going to be hard, you know, maybe, just maybe, you'll get through it together.


	5. Bargaining part 2

Seven stages: bargaining part 2

**A/N: Can't say it enough but thanks for the alerts and reviews. It means a lot that this is being so well received and you like it given the upsetting topic. I just hope I can keep doing it justice.**

**Anyway, there's a wedding to plan... **

**And there's a bargaining part 3 as I thought this was a good place to stop but haven't yet got to where I wanted. I hope the faster postings but shorter chapters are ok.**

* * *

"Right, so we've got lilies on order, bit funereal, but maybe that's appropriate." Gina says with a shallow laugh.

You take a deep breath, there's a lot of jokes, making light of the fact this will probably be the shortest marriage in history. Well maybe not, Britney Spears married that Jason bloke for about 2 days, but that was a wild weekend in Vegas, not because the love of your life is dying and you won't have much time with her.

You feel your lip wobble, you're trying to be strong, but even in the few days since Christmas you've noticed a marked deterioration in her health. She's sometimes breathless and is sleeping more. You've talked to another doctor, with Gina this time, not the original one who you now know is a consultant, he's off skiing with his, no doubt, perfect family and he won't be back for a while.

"Emily? Are you ok?" Gina asks kindly.

You stare at her and nod, "Yeah, I'm fine."

Naomi pats the bed and you crawl into the comfort of her arms, they're so much thinner than you're used to.

"I'm going to the canteen, coffee anyone?" Gina says brightly.

"No, we're ok, but thanks Mum. See you in a bit yeah?" Naomi answers, and you know it's a struggle, but she does it, for you.

"Alright love, I'll be back later." Gina replies with a smile.

As soon as she's gone you start to cry, silent sobs into Naomi's shoulder, you know it's unreasonable, the fact she's supporting you, it should be the other way round.

"Hey, come on, it'll be ok. We can have whatever flowers you want." Naomi soothes.

You sniff, "it's not the bloody flowers."

She strokes your hair, "I know. I did tell you this was madness."

Finally you look up, "It's not madness, it's just so fucking unfair..."

"Em, we don't need to do this..." She states.

"I know. But I want to, don't you?" You ask unsurely.

She stares at the ring on her left hand, "yeah, I do, but not if it keeps stressing you out so much."

You smile sadly, "It's not the wedding that's stressing me out..."

Naomi smiles, "I know, baby, but we can't change that by getting married."

You shake yourself, "sorry, I'm ok now, but thank you."

You lean up and kiss her gently, even that's getting worse as her lips crack with the strain, sometimes you forget, press too hard and it's only when she inhales sharply you realise she's in pain.

You see her frown, "Did Effy get back to you? I thought she might be a bit excited."

You look away, you and Gina have discussed this at length when Naomi sleeps. You're not sure how she'll take it, you've kept the newspapers away, the ones that are baying for the 'corrupt banker's blood'.

"Em, what's going on?" She asks.

"Nothing babe, Effy'll be here." You say with false optimism, there's no chance of it happening, her bail hearing isn't scheduled for another two weeks, you're getting married in two days.

She moves away, and even though her arms aren't as protective as normal, you still miss them. Gina enters the room, immediately picks up on the atmosphere.

"Come on you two, please don't tell me you've found something to fight about, not now." She queries.

Naomi snorts, well ok, she tries, "what's the deal with Effy?"

Gina quickly glances at you, trying to work out what you've said, you give her a shake of the head that you hope tells her you've not said anything.

"Oh for fuck's sake. Are you two in cahoots now? Did she do the decent thing and hold her hands up. I'd rather know the truth if she can't make it." Naomi rasps.

You sigh, "She gave a statement against that prick of a boss of hers, but she still used insider information to make money. She's in prison, they've charged her, she might not be let out for a while."

You expect her to be upset but she actually smiles, "I knew she'd see sense and do the right thing in the end. What about Dom?"

You rankle slightly, it pisses you off that a virtual stranger was on hand to care for your girlfriend, no fiancée, when it should have been you. Although you understand Naomi's reasoning in abstract, you still find it hard to accept.

You shrug, "Lost his job, not getting prosecuted, but disappeared."

She smiles wistfully, "I hope he's happy somewhere."

"So we need to plan without Effy love, she won't make the wedding." Gina states.

Naomi shrugs and her whole body looks like it might break, "So who's going to be the other witness?"

"There is one person..." You state hopefully.

She stares at you and rolls her eyes, "Fine, give her a call, but if she so much as criticises me, I'll twat her."

"You don't have the strength babe." You point out.

Naomi sighs, "I never really did..."

"Ok then, if she takes the piss, I'll twat her on your behalf, deal?" you state.

A genuine smile, "Now that I'd pay to see..."

* * *

You make the phone call to Paris, at first she's outraged you're in London and haven't told her. She soon goes quiet when you tell her why.

After that there's an immediate agreement she'll be here tomorrow. Suddenly she's in planning mode and although you realised the 'small, quiet ceremony' you'd envisaged has been high jacked, you're glad she's on her way.

You're about to go back into the room but you stop as you see Gina gently rocking Naomi like she's a little girl again. The serene look on her face is enough to make you realise you can't interrupt, this is their time.

You sit in an uncomfortable chair, it hurts your back, but you're so tired you soon find your eyelids drooping. Maybe a little sleep is ok?

You jolt awake, you're not sure what woke you, but you check your watch and realise you've been asleep for hours. In panic you rise and go back to Naomi. Gina is fast asleep against the bed, holding her hand. You position yourself on the other side and she stirs as you take her free hand.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." You state.

Naomi smiles, "It's ok, where have you been? I missed you."

"Fell asleep outside." You don't mention you deliberately stayed away when you saw her and Gina.

"It's good you got some rest, but I'm glad you're back."

You nod, "me too, but we'll need all the energy we can get given the fact she'll be here tomorrow. She's already talking about a string quartet, they owe her a favour. Apparently just because the ceremony is in hospital doesn't mean it has to be lame."

Naomi smiles, "bang goes our quiet wedding."

"I know, I'm sorry..." You start.

"It's ok Em, at least it'll be memorable." She counters.

You're on the verge of tears, "It was always going to be something I'd remember."

"It wasn't a criticism. But it's probably best if we sleep a bit more?" Naomi questions quietly so she doesn't wake her Mum.

"Yeah, let's try and conserve some energy."

Her eyes close and you lean on the bed, you kiss her hand and begin to drift off to sleep. Both you and Gina are in identical positions and it looks like you're praying, which in a way you are, not for a miracle, you know that won't happen, but for a little bit more time, just so everyone gets a chance to say goodbye.


	6. Bargaining part 3

**A/N: this is the third and final part of bargaining. I did mean to write it as one but I felt there were natural breaks.**

**Also, my email crashed as I was transferring reviews to a sub folder and they disappeared. So all I have is the couple I'd replied to from chapter 1 and the latest ones for chapter 5. I'm really sorry if you reviewed earlier chapters and didn't get a reply, I did mean to catch up, but please believe me I really appreciate every one.**

**Mostly bargaining but a bit of Fitch feistiness too, no wonder Naomi loves her :)**

* * *

You're in with the doctor again, both you and Gina listen intently as he runs through the remainder of her palliative care plan. You try to keep the contemptuous look from your face, why give it a fancy name? Call it what it is, it's a plan of how Naomi will die.

"Do you understand what palliative care means?" He asks, clearly the mask isn't good enough.

You sneer slightly, patronising wanker, "Yes, I do, its name comes from the Latin, palliare, to cloak. It's a multidisciplinary approach and is supposed to ease a patient's suffering and prepare them to die."

Gina squeezes your hand, she can see you're annoyed and it's her way of trying to make you stop, this isn't helping anyone, especially not Naomi.

You sigh, "I'm sorry, but this is a difficult thing to hear."

"I understand that and your reaction isn't uncommon either. It's not just the patient you know, palliative care plans can be for relatives too, you can speak to someone." He says kindly.

You take a deep breath and count in your head, Gina squeezes again, out of the corner of your eye you see her bristle too, maybe it wasn't only for your benefit.

"We have each other, we don't need to speak to some shitty counsellor, to 'learn to deal' with the death of my daughter." She says through clenched teeth.

He nods, "I understand how hard this is for you both."

You glance at his hand, there's a wedding ring, "You're married?"

He looks taken aback by the sudden change in conversation, "Er, yes..."

"Been together long?" You question.

"I'm not sure this is relevant..." He starts.

"Trust me, it is." You explain.

"About 11 years."

"Still alive, your wife, is she?" You continue.

A look of realisation appears on his face, "Yes and before you ask we have two children, a boy and a girl."

"I'm getting married tomorrow, but unlike most blushing brides, I don't have countless years of happiness ahead of me, I'm not starting a great adventure in to the unknown with my soul mate. We have a matter of weeks, maybe even less. Naomi is Gina's only daughter, there's no one else, always been the two of them, then the three of us. So don't you fucking dare sit there and tell us you understand. You don't, you don't have the first clue what it's like to watch a person you love so completely and utterly, fade to nothing in front of your eyes." Your voice is hoarse, barely above a whisper.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to upset you. Perhaps we should come back to this another time." He suggests.

Gina stares coldly at him, "There might not be another time, so we'll finish now."

"Right." He checks his notes, "Have you considered hospice care."

"No!" both you and Gina say simultaneously.

"Naomi would hate it, she needs, no deserves, to be surrounded by beauty, and I don't mean here either." You say firmly.

Gina nods in agreement, you knew she would.

"Ok, we'll continue with the morphine for now and up the dose when Naomi's in more pain." He confirms.

The thought of her being in more pain cuts you like a knife. But you know it's the reality of the situation and you need to prepare yourself if you're going to stay by Naomi's side until the bitter end.

You see Gina having the same internal dialogue.

"Ok, Gina and I will take it in turns to sit with her and we don't want to have the same argument about visiting times over and over again, one or both of us will be in the room 24 hours a day."

He sighs, "visiting times are so the patients can receive treatment and get some rest."

"Rest won't change the outcome will it?"

He shakes his head.

"So we know better than you what will bring Naomi comfort so it's non-negotiable and it will happen." Gina backs you up.

He shrugs, "Fine, I'll make sure it's in Naomi's notes."

You both rise, "that's settled, thank you for your time."

He's relieved you're going. You can see how it's a tough job, having to deliver bad news or difficult messages. But it pisses you off they keep telling you they understand, or have sympathy. Until they have to deal with the spectre of death when it's someone they love, not just a patient, they'll never really grasp how fucking soul destroying it is.

"What a twat" you spit as you walk down the corridor.

Gina smiles, "But I think we showed him eh love?"

You smile back, "No one messes with a Fitch."

"Nor a Campbell..."'she replies.

You look at each other, "he had no chance against a Campbell-Fitch."

* * *

You arrive back at the room and pause outside, she's here, you didn't mean to miss her arrival. You smile as she sits at the bedside, animatedly chatting, probably about fashion or Paris, maybe both. You can't tell if Naomi is bored, she smiles in the right places and suddenly says something that makes Katie stop. Your twin nods and reaches out for her, she tenderly kisses her cheek as she embraces your fiancée.

"Shall we go in?" Gina asks and you nod, overcome with emotion.

"Hey bitch." You say with false brightness.

Katie turns, her eyes are red, "Alright Lezza? So I'm barren and you're going to be a widow, looks like the elderly care home plan is back on track babe."

You hug tightly, "Thanks for coming."

"It's alright you've upped your game since going to New York, but her," she motions towards Naomi, "still wearing student clothes is pathetic. Don't think any sister of mine is going to get married to that."

"Oh fuck off Katie. At least it won't be leopard print." Naomi counters.

She turns, "Have you seen your outfit yet?"

Naomi tries to rise and has a coughing fit, you're used to it but Katie's face drains of all colour.

"Can you two please behave." Gina says playfully as she soothes Naomi.

"I didn't start it..." Naomi states.

"Oh for God's sake, it's like being back at college, we're not 16 anymore. Grow up the pair of you." You chastise gently.

The room falls silent, growing up won't be an option for one of them.

"Told you I'd die for her didn't I?" Naomi interjects.

Katie stares, you wonder how she'll react, "yeah, and I told you I'd kill you if you hurt her again. Do you always need to steal my thunder?"

Naomi smiles, "You'll miss me."

Katie's eyes fill with tears, "More than you realise."

* * *

Again the room is silent. You aren't sure how to deal with Katie being kind to Naomi, you're used to them sniping at each other, it's still the norm even after all these years.

"So we've just been with the doctor." Gina states.

You're grateful for the subject change, as is everyone else in the room as small outbreaks of surprised chatter greet this hardly shocking news.

"I'm still dying then? No miracle cure?" Naomi quips.

You give her a withering look, although you know this is part of her coping mechanism, it's still sometimes hard to take.

"There better not be, I wouldn't let my sister marry a skank like you unless it was serious." Katie counters.

"Fuck you." Naomi replies.

"Eww, not if we were the last two people on earth and I was gagging for it."

You smile at Gina, who watches with amusement. You realise that's why you wanted Katie here, apart from the odd over-emotional blip, she'll make things feel normal. In spite of what you said earlier until the wedding's over that's how you want it to be. Two people, in love, committing to each other. You can deal with the doom and gloom afterwards.

"So what did doctor boring have to say?" Naomi questions.

She's made up nicknames for all the staff, "He's doctor wanker from now on."

She smiles, "Causing trouble Em, with all those questions and demands?"

She knows you so well, but you also know Naomi overheard some of the nurses moaning about you. Apparently you've got a bit of a reputation amongst the staff. You don't care, you love Naomi and you're damn sure she's going to get everything she needs even if it means making yourself unpopular.

"So what were you talking to doctor wanker about?" Naomi asks again.

"Let's discuss it after the wedding eh love?" Gina says.

Naomi's eyes narrow, she's suspicious, "I'd rather do it now. After all Emily's going back to New York straight after the wedding and I'd like her to be involved."

"But I thought you said..." I silence Katie with a well practiced glare.

It's a set up, she knows your intentions, you refuse to look at her.

"It doesn't matter if you look at me or not, I can read you like a book." Naomi states.

You hear the rising irritation, you don't want her to get angry, mainly because of her health but a little bit because you hate it when she's cross with you.

"I meant it Em..."

"Why don't we leave you two alone? I'll show you the canteen Katie." Gina says as she propels your twin thought the door.

At first you don't say anything, but Naomi has always been the master of the silent treatment, she knows you'll crack first, you always do, especially when you know you're in the wrong.

"We were talking about your care plan." You begin.

"What about it?" Naomi pushes.

"You know, just how one of us will be here all the time, how they need to relax the visiting hours crap." You sound like a small child.

The bed moves, it's followed by a metallic sound. You look at the cabinet, stare at the ring lying there and finally make eye contact. The blue eyes are steely.

"We had a deal Emily, no internship, no wedding."

"Please Naomi, you can't expect me to leave you? What if I can't get back in time or at all? I'd never forgive myself." You plead.

"You promised, if you don't keep your end of the bargain, what right have you got to expect me to keep mine? Hardly a sound basis for a marriage is it?" She refuses to budge.

"Nor is keeping a terminal illness from me, but that seems to be perfectly acceptable." You say petulantly.

Her eyebrow raises, alright so you're clutching at straws.

You sit on the bed, "I can't leave you..."

"Baby, we've been through all this. Everything I did was to make sure you'd keep a job you adore. Some nights I was so lonely and scared I nearly gave in and called you, but I didn't because I love you. What's the point if you lose your internship anyway, none of it was worth it."

You see the speech tires her, you keep forgetting that the long conversations or debates you're used to will now take their toll. You rack your brains for an alternative, suddenly something clicks and you smile.

"Whatever it is the answer is no." Naomi immediately states.

"Hang on, just hear me out. What if I could find a way to continue with my internship but stay here too?" You say excitedly.

She frowns, "I thought you said it wasn't possible..."

"Maybe it is, maybe not, but it's worth a try. I'll phone my boss, explain the situation and offer to do some work here in London, it means I'll be away from the hospital but I'll still get to see you every day."

"And if she says no?" Naomi asks.

It's a gamble based on your boss being reasonable, work being available and you being persuasive. But it's one you have to take, even if there's a small chance you can stay.

You look her directly in the eye, "Then I'll go back, I won't lose the internship. I made you a promise, I won't break it."

Naomi pauses, you're afraid she won't agree but she picks up the ring and puts it back on, before she smiles.

"Ok, but there is one condition." She states.

You nod, "Anything."

"You make the call here, on speakerphone." She requests.

"Jesus Naomi, don't you trust me?" You ask angrily.

"Take it or leave it Em." She's firm.

You tut, "Fine, I'll do it in front of you on speakerphone. I can't believe you think I'm so devious."

"I don't, but I do think you love me that much."

* * *

You check you watch, no time like the present. It's early, but your boss Rachel gets up at the crack of dawn. She's a morning person, as she constantly tells you when you arrive in the office desperate for your first coffee hit of the day. Maybe today that's something to be grateful for.

You sit on the bed and your hands shake as you make the call, it rings several times before she answers.

"Emily, where the fuck are you? AJ spun me some line about you being ill but he's a worse liar than you are." She barks.

Naomi folds her arms, shit, part of the reason you didn't want to make the call publicly was so she didn't find out you were already supposed to be back in the States.

She watches you like a hawk, "Er, yeah about that. I'm not ill, actually Rachel, I'm in London. I found out just before Christmas, my girl.. no fiancée, has terminal cancer. We're getting married tomorrow."

"Congratulations but shitty about the cancer." She says directly.

Her no nonsense approach is one of the reasons you like her, it's also what gives you hope she'll agree to your proposition.

"So when will you be back, these photos don't take themselves you know?"

"I want to speak to you about that, it's why I rang. Naomi hasn't got much time left, so I hoped I could stay in London for a while, don't worry, I'll still work, but I want to be near the hospital." The words tumble out.

Rachel snorts, "That's very generous of you. Emily, you're very talented, but I have a waiting list as tall as you are, there are people who'd kill to replace you on this internship."

"I know that," you quickly interject, "and you know how hard I have, and will, work. This isn't some vacation, I haven't skipped off for fun. Naomi is dying and I've already missed so much time with her, please I wouldn't ask if it wasn't so important and I'll never put you in a situation like this again."

"What happens if I refuse?" The same question as Naomi.

Your shoulders sag, "Then I promised Naomi I'd go back, I want this internship, I was one of the people who nearly killed for it in the first place if you remember."

She pauses and you hold your breath, "My mom died of cancer, I always wish I'd taken some time out with her. Just a minute, let me check what jobs we have on over there."

You smile at Naomi and do a victory punch, she smiles indulgently back.

"Emily? I'm really sorry, there's nothing. It's the holidays and all of the shoots are in Europe in the snow." She sounds genuinely apologetic.

You hug yourself as the tears threaten to flow, this was your last hope, "Are you sure? Nothing at all?"

"Hi Rachel is it? I'm Naomi."

You stare quizzically.

"Hey, sorry for all the cancer crap, it's a bitch." Rachel states.

"Yeah, I have to admit I've felt better." Naomi says with a tiny laugh.

"What are you doing?" You mouth quietly.

She shushes you, it always really annoys you when she does that and she knows it.

"What if Emily provides you with a human interest story?" Naomi begins.

"Depends what it is." Rachel is cautious, "Something personal?"

Suddenly you understand, "No! No fucking way..."

"Come on Emily, some of your best shots..." Rachel counters.

"I said no, I won't exploit her, or us, like this." Your voice rises.

Naomi looks at you, "Emily, you're an amazing photographer, I love you and I trust you completely, I wouldn't have offered if it was anyone else."

"Emily, who else will be as sympathetic? Even without it being Naomi, that's what makes you great, it's why people open up to you." Rachel reasons.

You snort, "And what makes you money."

You almost hear her shrug, "Fine see you the day after tomorrow..."

Naomi takes your hand, "It might help, hopefully you, but maybe Effy or my Mum too."

"Why are you being so insistent?" you ask incredulously.

Her lip wobbles, "Because I'm scared and now you're here, I don't want you to go."

The fight immediately leaves you, how could you lose sight of what was important? All you want is to stay, it's why you came up with this plan in the first place, to be with her, where you belong.

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry, I'm such an idiot." You kiss her gently.

When you break apart, you smile at each other.

"Jesus, I can only imagine what's going on there. So Emily are we agreed?" Rachel's impatient voice cuts in.

"Yeah, fine I'll do it, but I get total copyright." You state firmly.

"That's not how it works..."she starts

"On this it is..." You know she's salivating at the prospect of a spring exhibition.

A pause, "Ok, just this once. So the first submission will be the wedding right?"

You hesitate, "Actually Rachel, I might...sort of...need a camera."


	7. Guilt

Seven stages: guilt

**A/N: Hi, this is another chapter from Naomi's pov.**

**I know it was supposed to be short but it is only another few chapters.**

**I hope you like it, even if the topic isn't that great. :)**

* * *

You wake as the light shines through the window. You should be excited, it's your wedding day, but you have the jitters. Maybe it's just normal nerves, the same thing everyone goes through when they worry about making such a massive commitment, let's face it you've got more reason than most.

You stare as she sleeps, her head rests on the bed. Katie and your Mum went back to the flat, she insisted on staying. The camera was couriered over and she started taking photos immediately. You reach over to the cabinet and pick it up, it takes all your strength and you wonder how she can carry something like this around all the time. But that's the thing about Emily, she's a lot stronger than she looks.

You flick through the photos, think about deleting the ones you don't like but it's not your place. Lots focus on your eyes, like she wants to capture your soul. Emily will vet them and make sure they're sensitive, you meant what you said, you trust her implicitly. But you also hate the fact that you resent her, for looking at you through a lens, like it is a project, even if it is your idea. You want her to look you in the eye and be normal, feel like you're all that matters.

For a second you feel guilty, you emotionally blackmailed her, told her that you wanted her to stay, it was unfair. You fought so hard to keep this from her only to collapse at the last minute.

You think about the implications of what you've asked. What if she's forced to look at the photos before she's ready? What if she's put under pressure to process them, to put on an exhibition and instead of helping her grieve it makes things worse?

It reminds you of your dog when you were little, you loved him so much and hated the fact he got ill. Gina tried to reason with you, but you fought to keep him alive for as long as possible. Then you looked at the photos after he was gone, realised how sick and frail he was, how you should have let go sooner. You hope Emily lets you go when the time comes. You're not as worried about your Mum, it won't be easy for her but she's more stoic than Emily, not as stubborn.

You place the camera back and smile, she's still sleeping and is oblivious. She looks so peaceful. You love her so much and think again whether you should release her from this ordeal. Is it fair to tie her down like this?

You decide to give her one last chance. An opportunity to change her mind, to get out if that's what she wants. You're torn between wanting to set her free and desperately needing her to stay. But this isn't about you, it's about what Emily means to you.

You stroke her hair, she stirs and looks up, "Hey beautiful."

You smile, "It's supposed to be bad luck to see each other on the morning of your wedding."

She blinks and rubs her eyes, "What's the worst that can happen?"

You sigh, "Em..."

She looks at you.

"Are you sure we're doing the right thing?" You state.

She shakes her head, "Please baby, not this again."

"I don't want you to feel obligated..." You continue.

"Naomi Campbell, I've loved you for more than half my life. As soon as I saw you, I knew you were the person I was meant to be with. No one will ever change that, no one can." Her voice breaks.

"But..." You state feebly.

She strokes your cheek, "No obligation, just destiny."

You smile, "So I guess there's a wedding happening today..."

* * *

"Too right, I've planned all sorts of shit." Katie brashly interrupts.

Emily rolls her eyes, "We told you to keep it low key."

Katie tuts, "Look fuck off and leave us with the camera. I've got to do Naomi's make up before Gina gets here with her outfit. I need time with her, it's near impossible to make her look good at the best of times let alone when she's all cancer riddled and crap."

You stare, "Cheers Katie, making me feel so special."

"My refreshing honesty is one of the things you love about me dear sister-in-law." She counters.

You stare at Emily, "is annoying family a reason to back out?"

"Sorry hun, you don't get off that lightly." She says with a smile.

You roll your eyes, "so I guess I'll see you at the altar then."

"If you can take some photos that'd be good. See you later baby." She kisses you as she places the camera down, "I love you."

"I love you too." You watch her leave, you're glad she won't let you go without a fight.

"So do you want my help or not?" Katie asks.

You nod.

"Right, what the hell are we going to do with you?" Katie says exasperatedly.

"I thought you were supposed to be the expert?" You challenge.

"Expert, miracle worker, not the same." She replies.

Her phone starts ringing, she stares at the caller id and ignores it.

"So, I've got some good foundation..." She continues as a second bout of ringing happens almost immediately.

This time she answers "Look, I've told you, it's over, stop calling me."

You look at her expectantly.

She shrugs, "nuisance call."

She examines your face, "we'll do your make up and you'll have your dress shortly. You've actually got quite good bone structure."

"Wow a compliment, going soft in your old age Katiekins?" You joke.

"Shhh, if you keep moving it'll smudge." She instructs.

You sit in silence as she goes to work. Katie thinks she's successfully changed the subject, you're about to prove her wrong.

"Who was that? Jeremie?" You ask innocently.

Her hand slips but she recovers, "Yeah, but we split and he won't leave me alone."

"Why did you break up? When we came over to Paris you were loved up and planning all sorts." You ask.

"Things change yeah?" Katie says.

You can't work it out, "Like what?"

"Everything. You think you love someone, you want to be with them but then you just don't. It's too hard and not fair." She responds.

"Jesus, he didn't want to break up with you did he? It was you." You ask.

She shrugs, "Maybe, but what's the point? I can't have children. He says he's fine with that, but we're young and he'll change his mind.

"You don't know that, not for sure." You reason.

She laughs bitterly, "Naomi, believe me, one day it'll be important and I can't be the one who stands in his way. He'll leave me eventually, better to get it over and done with now."

Your eyes narrow, "So fuck today right? Emily and I shouldn't bother to get married?"

"Of course you should." She replies incredulously.

You shrug, "Why? I mean what's the point? I'm dying, we've barely got any time left."

"It's different." She states.

"You're damn fucking right it is. I know how this is going to end, so does Emily. You and Jeremie don't, you potentially have your whole lives ahead of you. Maybe it'll last, maybe not, people split up for all sorts of reasons Katie. So don't force it for something that _might_ happen, a stupid possibility, just enjoy it while it lasts, however long that is." The speech exhausts you.

"We're not like you and Emily." She counters.

"Stupid you mean?" You croak.

"No! Meant to be together."

You give a small laugh, "come back in a few weeks time and see how that's working out for us eh?"

You look away and can feel her staring, she sighs. "Naomi, Emily loves you. All she's ever wanted is to be with you."

Tears spring into your eyes, "That's what she said too but in a few weeks I'll be gone and I'm shit scared she'll forget me. All I'll be is a post script, someone she loved but in the past. And I hate myself for hoping she won't get over me easily, because I want her to be happy, it's all I've ever wanted, but it was supposed to be with me."

Katie hugs you, "It's ok, she won't ever forget..."

You wipe your eyes, embarrassed at the outpouring, "Sorry, but you don't realise how lucky you are. You have time Katie, grab hold of all the happiness you can."

The phone rings again, she answers, "Hi, sorry I've been avoiding you."

"I can't... no... I want to... it's just... I'm in London."

"My sister is getting married."

"Long story, but maybe we can talk when I get back?"

"Ok, I'll call you. Yes I promise."

"I... I love you too."

You smile at her.

She sniffs, "Right can you please hold still this time? Honestly, I'm not used to working with such amateurs."

* * *

A while later Gina walks into the room, "one dress. Oh sweetheart, Katie's made you look lovely."

"Yes, well she's quite good at this." You begrudgingly state.

She hugs you, "I'm going back to the flat for Ems, see you later."

"Yeah, see you in a bit." You reply.

Your Mum sits on the bed, "How do you feel?"

"In general or about getting married?" You ask.

"The wedding." She says with a smile.

You sigh, "Petrified."

"So normal then?" She says with a smile.

And you smile back as you realise that maybe today that's what you are, not Naomi, cancer patient, dying woman. Just Naomi, shitting herself on her wedding day.

"I know I shouldn't have peeked but Katie has got it spot on with the dresses." Your Mum says.

"I gave Emily an out you know? I didn't force her into this." You state.

Gina smiles, "I know love. But there was never going to be anywhere else for her to be was there? She loves you and maybe it's a bit unfair for you to keep implying there might be?"

You stare, "what do you mean?"

She strokes your head, "Don't you think it might feel a bit like you're the one doing this under duress?"

"But I'm not, I want to marry Emily, I love her more than life itself, I just don't want her to be trapped." you state.

Gina smiles, "I don't think she'd ever feel like that."

You stare at your Mum, "Is the dress awful?"

She shakes her head, "it's quite beautiful actually."

She zips it open, you frown. It's a white dress and head piece, it'll make you look like a fairy in a Shakespeare play. You get out of bed and Gina pulls it across your head, it falls down and strokes across your skin. Your mum places the wreath on your head, it's a circle of flowers.

"Ready love?" She asks.

You nod, "as I'll ever be."

* * *

You sit at the altar, there's no point in exerting yourself as you wait for Ems. Katie has excelled herself, the whole hospital chapel is filled with flowers, rose petals abound across the floors, there are bouquets in the aisles and bunches are everywhere.

Gina squeezes your hand, "you look very beautiful."

You smile, "thanks Mum, I'm glad you're here."

She smiles back, "me too sweetheart, me too."

The music starts, it's Elbow, on a day like this, it continues until the chorus.

"Throw those curtains wide, one day like this a year would see me right..."

You smile, this is it, Emily walks towards you. You see her, you catch your breath, fuck she's amazing. She's so beautiful, so radiant. She smiles, and you're totally lost. You're almost wearing the same outfit but Emily's hair cascades around her shouders. You know you'll never love anyone more than her and it makes you smile.

The whole ceremony passes in an instant, you vaguely remember saying your vows, you smiled at each other when the 'in sickness and in health' line was given. But before you know it the chaplain is saying you can kiss the bride. And you do, even though it hurts, you kiss her, press your lips against hers and never want to let go.

You make your way back to the hospital room, the nurses smile and bend the rules so you can have champagne and food. Of course you don't eat or drink anything, it would be thrown back up but Emily, Katie and your Mum deserve a celebration. You smile as you lie back on the bed.

"All this getting married is tiring, can I have a sleep?"

Emily looks at you, "of course, I'll be here when you wake up."

And she is.

You wake when it's dark and she's perched on the side of your bed, gentle snores come from her mouth and your whole heart fills with love. It's stupid, but she's your wife, and the thought of that is so uplifting you want to cry. You stroke her cheek and she wakes.

"Hey baby." She says.

"Sorry, I just woke and wanted to talk to you." You state honestly.

She moves so she's on the bed, lying next to you, snuggled into you.

"Suppose a shag's out of the question?" she says cheekily.

You smile ruefully, "sorry we couldn't consummate our marriage."

She smiles, "I think we consummated our relationship enough times over the years."

You grin, "Christ do you remember that time in the..."

Her finger presses against your lips and silences you, "I remember everything."

"Yeah?" You whisper.

She nods, "Everything. My memory is long, very, very long."

"So you don't regret it?" You ask.

Emily shakes her head.

"So if you knew now, what would happen, would you change it?" You ask expectantly.

She smiles, "never, not a single thing."

"I love you, Emily Fitch."

Her smile deepens, "I love you too. And I think you'll find it's Emily Campbell-Fitch."

You grin, "Wow, double-barrelled?"

Emily grins back, "How posh am I?"

"I'm so glad I married you."

She looks at you so tenderly, "So am I Naoms, so am I."


	8. Depression

**Seven stages: depression**

**A/N: This is the penultimate chapter and as the title suggests the newly weds aren't exactly in a happy place.**

**But I'm not mean and although it's hard they can always find a way through can't they? **

**They're Naomi and Emily. Of course they can.**

**Hope you keep reading and if you want to drop me a line to review that would be brilliant.**

* * *

It's a couple of weeks later, you stare at her sleeping through the window, she's doing it more and more, you hate yourself for wishing her awake, so you can spend some time together. But then again it isn't always pleasant when you do anymore so maybe she's better off sleeping.

You grip the camera, part of you wants to shoot, the other is scared in case she sees you. Sometimes Naomi isn't nice, she lashes out and makes you feel like you're nothing. Part of you knows it's the cancer, the drugs, but another bit makes you fear that maybe there's truth in her words. The ones that tell you to fuck off, to leave her alone, that she doesn't need all your shit on top of her own, that she doesn't need you.

You think back to the wedding, you were both so happy, it was never going to last forever but it felt normal, you and Naomi, the way things were supposed to be. Now it feels as if she's given up, most days she lies there, just staring into nothing, like she's not even here anymore. You can see she's scared, you both are, but instead of bringing you together it's driving you apart.

A few nights ago you went back to the flat. You'd been in the hospital so long you were going a bit stir crazy, endless days of being in the same rooms eating the same food, but you still planned to stay. Naomi was asleep and you left her for a couple of minutes to freshen up. Her face was stony when you got back, you tried to explain but it quickly turned into a row. She told you to get out of the room, leave her again as it was all clearly becoming to much of a burden. You attempted to reason with her, tell her how ridiculous she was being but none of it went in. You made a throw away comment about her being obtuse and she was outraged, she sneered at you, accused you of wanting her dead. You stared in shock, angry that she'd even think something so horrible let alone say it to your face.

So you did as she asked and left, went back to the flat and had a shower. Gina was there for a while until she went back to the hospital. She said you looked tired and asked if you wanted her to change the sheets on Naomi's bed so you could have a lie down. You thanked her but refused. You climbed in and smelled Naomi scent, instantly feeling comforted that the Naomi you love was still here. You blushed as you remembered the last time you'd been in the bed together, memories of Naomi fucking you, your loud moans as she made you come, the equally vocal ones back as you returned the favour. Those were the memories that you'd cling to, they'd be the things that would get you though these tougher days and lonely nights.

In the end you just lay there, you couldn't sleep. So you got up and spent most of the night on the computer, sorting through the photos, working out which ones to send to Rachel. You pretend it's just another assignment, it isn't. How can it be, when you're cataloging each moment of Naomi's decline as she slowly slips away from you?

When the first light broke you made your way back to the hospital. Regardless of what happened the night before you can't leave her. Gina did her usual trick of disappearing to the cafeteria and Naomi begrudgingly apologised. You accepted it, even though it didn't sound that genuine, because it was better than nothing. But you were badly stung by her words and you'd been treading on egg shells ever since.

You sigh, you have to go in, no matter how hard it is, or what mood she's in. Today is Effy's bail hearing, she'll never see Naomi again if she doesn't get it. Part of you resents Eff, you still haven't totally forgiven her for keeping this from you. Ok, maybe Naomi made her promise, but if it was the other way around and you were in her position, you'd have told her earlier.

Naomi has a letter for her, a last goodbye. You hate it, hate the fact she seemingly cares more about her best friend than you. Maybe you want a letter, something that let's you know you mean something to her, but it isn't forthcoming, and it feels like all you get is vitriol.

You walk into he room and take a few photos, she wakes, sees you, but instead of a smile, all you get is a sigh as she turns away and stares into the wall.

"Naoms." You state.

She sighs, "Emily, that was my name when we were teenagers. We're adults now, grow up."

Tears spring into your eyes, "I'm going to Effy's bail hearing today."

"Ok, have you got the letter?" She asks.

You nod.

"Fine, see you whenever, can't get away fast enough eh?" She states.

"Why are you being like this?" You ask.

She snorts, "because I'm dying and I really don't give a fuck anymore."

You take a deep breath, "Look, I'll see you later, hopefully with Effy, I love you."

Naomi sighs, "more fool you."

* * *

You walk into the court building. Effy smiles but looks nervous. You're supposed to be angry with her and part of you is, but it doesn't matter, what Naomi needs is the important thing. So you hug her and sit down.

"Thanks for coming." She states hesitantly.

"It's fine, Naomi needs all the support she can get." You say awkwardly.

"How is she?" Effy asks with concern.

The tears spring into your eyes, you wonder how honest to be, "as well as can be expected."

You fiddle with your wedding ring, Effy, as usual, spots it straight away. "Anything to tell me?"

You shrug, "We, erm, we got married."

She smiles sadly, "congratulations. Sorry I missed it."

You sigh, "Didn't really have a lot of choice on the timing Eff."

"I know, it wasn't a criticism. I'm genuinely sorry I wasn't there." She says gently.

"Everything feels like a criticism these days." You state bitterly before you can stop yourself.

Effy stares at you, "Em, are you ok? I mean, are you coping with this?"

Tears fall down your cheeks as you shake your head, it's the first time anyone has asked you how you are, all the focus is on Naomi. Part of you hates the fact you're trying to deflect attention from her, it should be about her, she's the one dying after all. But you have no idea how you'll even get out of bed once she's gone, how can you live once your whole world crashes around you? The fact she's being so horrible makes it worse, it makes you feel like you're already alone.

"Em, hopefully I'll get through today and I'll talk to her ok?" Effy offers.

You snort, "that'd be great, thanks so much. As usual, you and her can sort everything out while I'm kept in the dark."

"Emily, it's not like that..." Effy starts.

You're about to reply, when her name is announced, you glare at her and then your shoulders sag, it won't help anyone if you're fighting. "Sorry."

She squeezes your hand, "let's hope my lawyer is as good as she says."

You nod and follow her into the courtroom, the hearing is surprisingly short, you give your character testament, you explain that Naomi is dying and needs to be surrounded by friends. Effy's barrister is as impressive as her CV suggests, she totally destroys the prosecution, every time they try to suggest Effy's a flight risk, she counters effectively.

The judge deliberates, starts by saying Effy's crimes are not to be taken lightly, they are serious. You see her gulp at that point, maybe it's the first time she's really thought about what she's done. Then the judge looks at you, says there are extenuating circumstances and it would be unfair to keep her in jail. The bail is granted, as long as Effy wears a tag and reports every day to her lawyer.

She smiles at you as she's led off, "See you in a bit."

You nod and go outside to wait. That's all you seem to do these days. You're not quite sure how long it takes but she shakes you awake, you must have drifted off.

Effy smiles, "One tag fitted, let's get out of here."

Once again you're in a cab, back towards the hospital, only this time you get out together.

"Ready?" You ask.

She nods.

You walk to the ward, Gina greets you both with a hug. "She'll be so happy to see you."

You try not to feel jealous, because you know it's true. You watch as Effy enters the room, Naomi says something dismissive until Effy speaks. Naomi turns and for the first time in days you see her smile. They hug and Naomi even manages a short laugh at her tag. Effy climbs on the bed and they lie facing each other as they chat. Probably something banal, but Naomi is more animated than she's been for a while. You know you should be glad, but it's not with you, once again you're excluded, while your wife and her best friend share a tender moment.

Effy glances up and sees you watching. You smile sadly and nod before you walk away.

Gina comes back with some coffees, "here you go Emily."

"No thanks, I'm going back to the flat. There's no point me being here." You state.

"If you're sure, you could probably do with the rest." Gina says kindly.

You shrug, "Naomi doesn't want me around."

"Of course she does love..." She replies.

"No Gina, she doesn't, she's made it totally clear I'm getting in the way and she'd rather I fucked off and left her to it. Maybe I should go back to the States. She's got you and Effy, she doesn't need me as well." You said in a resigned tone.

Gina sighs, "Emily, you've been here far more than anyone. Effy's been in prison, I've spent time at the flat to give myself a break, Katie left over a week ago. You? You've stayed here, always by her side, always making sure she is ok, always fighting for her because she doesn't have the strength. You make sure she's comfortable, you make sure she's not in pain, you never give up on her. But that's tiring and it takes it's toll. You need some rest sweetheart."

Your lip wobbles, "But what if I go and something happens? What if I never see her again?"

Gina hugs you tightly, "Naomi would never do that to you she'll always hang on. Go to the flat, have a nice relaxing bath and come back fresh tomorrow."

You nod, the thought of a long soak does sound appealing. "Ok, I'll let her know."

You walk back down the corridor and into the room, Naomi and Effy's conversation ceases as soon as they notice you. Effy stares intently at you with a frown etched on her face.

"I'm going back to the flat, apparently I need to get some rest." You say ruefully.

Effy and Naomi exchange glances.

"I'll see you tomorrow ok?" You state wearily.

A flicker of emotion crosses Naomi's face, but it's gone as quickly as it appears, "Effy's here now, so do what you want."

You don't have the energy to stop the hurt look appear. Effy looks uncomfortable but stays silent. You shake your head and smile sadly as you turn and leave the room. Your nails dig into your palms, you refuse to give her the satisfaction, so you wait until you're outside before you lean against the wall and start to cry.

* * *

It's dark as you enter the room again, you tried to relax, even had a bath, but you couldn't stop crying and there was no way you'd have a chance in hell of sleeping. First Effy then Gina came back, and that cemented it, regardless of whether she wants you there or not, you're determined she won't ever be on her own.

Moonlight streams through the window, it's bright, and her face is illuminated with a glow that looks almost ethereal. She's so beautiful and you want to capture it. You sit and get the camera out while trying to be as silent as possible. You put it on a long exposure and take a photo. You look at it once it's done, she looks so peaceful. You smile and stroke your finger across the display, tracing a line across her cheekbones and her lips. You take a few more shots and prepare to leave. You'll just be outside but at least you're here.

You accidentally kick something and curse as you make a noise. She stirs, blinks a few times and stares at you.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you. I'll be outside if you need anything." You state as you make your way to the door.

"Don't go." She says quietly.

You turn back, "Are you ok?"

She shakes her head, "I'm sorry for being such a cunt."

You place the camera on the cabinet and stare at her."I hadn't noticed."

She shifts slightly and makes room for you on the bed. She looks up unsurely, as if she's afraid you won't take her up on her offer. You smile and climb in next to her. She reaches across and strokes your cheek.

"I don't know why you put up with me."

You smile, "it's not like it's forever."

"Oh I see, the limited time is a factor eh?" She states.

"Makes it far less likely I'll kill you." You quip back.

You stare at each other.

"Mum said you talked about going back to New York." Naomi says.

You redden, "I didn't think I was wanted here."

"You're always wanted here."

"So why doesn't it feel like that? Why do you keep pushing me away?" you ask quietly.

She sighs, "I thought it'd be easier."

"For whom? Because making me feel worthless isn't doing a lot to help me at the moment Naomi, it's making this a lot harder than it has to be."

"I meant to let go, to let me go, I thought it'd be easier if you hated me, then you'd be glad I was gone instead of it ruining your life." she says sheepishly.

You stare incredulously, "In the whole time I've known you I can honestly say that's the most stupid thing to ever come out of your mouth, and there's quite a bit of competition believe me. I could never hate you, I love you, all this is doing is eating away at the time we have left meaning my final memories of you aren't always nice ones."

"Like I said, sorry. But Em, I can see how much strain this is putting you under. My Mum and Effy said exactly the same." Naomi says gently.

You snort "I see so being horrible to me and making me feel like shit is supposed to reduce that is it? For richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part, I know what I meant when I said those words Naomi, what I was signing up for."

She nods, "I know, I just don't want you to have the weight of the world on your shoulders as a result. It's ok to share some of the burden you know?"

"We're married, all I'm trying to do is help, be here for you when you need me, just like I promised you I would. Why do I get it in the neck when everyone else gets welcomed with open arms?" The edge in your voice is obvious.

She sighs, "Because you're not like everyone else."

"Oh great, I'm your wife Naomi, doesn't that mean..."

Her finger covers your lips, "Shh, it means everything. Mum, Eff, they're not like you Emily. They're like me, they deflect things, when it all gets too much we run away, maybe only for an hour or maybe a night, but we go. You don't, you stay."

You try not to look hurt. "So you want me to leave you more often?"

She shakes her head, "No, I love the fact you won't go. But it can be difficult because you absorb everything, when I'm in pain, you are too, the days when I struggle, I know you're battling for me and it's hard, because I'm tired Em, everything hurts so much and I'm running out of energy."

You stare, try to comprehend what she's telling you, "I'll give you energy..."

"I know, but soon you won't have enough for the two of us." Naomi says gently.

You start to cry, "I don't want you to be in pain."

"But I am baby and I don't know how much more I can take. I don't want to leave you, believe me I really don't, the idea of there being no us anymore scares the shit out of me." She stalls.

You wipe your eyes, "Do you remember what you said when I went for the internship?"

Naomi nods, "I said it was no big deal because we're Naomi and Emily, it didn't matter because we love each other."

You touch her face, "That'll never change."

She smiles, "Even when there's no Naomi anymore?"

"To me, there'll always be a Naomi, forever." You glance at the window. "Can you turn around?"

She nods and after a few tries is facing away from you.

"See all those stars? They're a million different worlds, infinite possibilities. In a handful we never even meet, a few are like this where we either split up or one of us dies so we don't get our happy ending. But you know what? In most of them we grow old together, the way we were supposed to, the way we planned."

She sniffs and you hold her as she cries. She turns back towards you. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be silly, I keep telling you, I wouldn't swap a second." You say with a smile.

"Promise me you'll live your life? In fact live two, one for me as well. Don't let this cloud everything, I couldn't stand it." Naomi pleads.

You nod, "I can't promise, but I'll try, no matter how much it hurts, I'll try."

She winces and you up the pain relief.

"I don't want to die..."

"I don't want you to either..." You pause as you realise she hasn't finished her sentence.

"Here."

You stare into her eyes, you can see the morphine kicking in, but you also see something else.

It's acceptance.

You realise all of tonight has been building towards this point, you can see she's struggling to find the energy to fight, but she does it for you, it's not fair to make her keep suffering just because you selfishly want more time with her. Naomi has come to terms with her fate, now it's time for you to do the same, it's time to let her go.

"We'll spring you ok?" You state sadly. "Take you somewhere beautiful, peaceful, away from all of this."

"It'll be soon..." she whispers.

A sob catches in your throat, "I'll speak to everyone tomorrow."

She smiles as she drifts off to sleep, "Thank you. I love you."

"I love you too." You reply.

You rest your head against her chest and listen to her weak heart beat as you gaze out of the window. You realise this is the most soundly she's slept in ages and you're glad even if the reason for her peacefulness hurts.

In spite of what you said to Naomi, you're not sure you'll ever accept her fate or be able to live your life normally once she's gone, so you stare at the stars and desperately hope that somewhere out there you're getting the perfect ending you deserve.


	9. Acceptance

Seven stages: acceptance

**A/N: Hello. So here is the final chapter of seven stages. It hasn't always been easy to write but I hope that the story has given you a better ending to the one in Fire.**

**There is also a disclaimer for the way this chapter, and in fact story, ends. I know how I've written it isn't that realistic, cancer is a horrible, horrible illness. But I wanted to write something poignant and figured you'd indulge me and allow me some artistic licence in the story.**

**It won't be the longest chapter, but I really hope it doesn't disappoint.**

**I really appreciate everyone reading, setting up alerts and reviewing this. I want you to like the final chapter and hope, like me, it gave you a bit of closure too.**

* * *

You blink in the early light, you don't know what woke you, but you smile as you realise you've spent the night nestled against Naomi and neither of you has moved. In spite of how frail she is, Naomi's arm reaches over you in a protective gesture and the peaceful look is still on her face. You reach out and gently stroke the side of her head, you don't want to disturb her so the touch is faint enough to almost not be there.

You hear a series of clicks. Taking care not to wake Naomi you turn your head to see Effy pointing the camera at the bed.

She smiles and whispers, "I came in and you both looked so serene, I thought you might like to get some photos."

You smile back and quietly reply, "Thanks, there's not many of the two of us."

"Everything ok?"

You pause, your immediate thought is _not really, Naomi is ready to die_ but you remember your promise, "Yeah. Where's Gina?"

"Gone for coffee. She'll be here in a minute."

"Talk about coping mechanisms." You say wryly.

Effy grins, "Says the woman who's like Godzilla until she gets her first caffeine hit of the day."

"Fair point." You gently extract yourself from Naomi and climb from the bed.

You sit next to Effy and she hands you the camera, you scroll through the ones she's taken this morning and smile. "Some of these are really good."

Effy shrugs, "I was just glad you'd sorted things when I walked in, I did it without thinking really."

You tut, "not thinking seems to be all the rage these days. I can't believe how warped her logic was. As if I'd feel more ok about this if she treated me like shit."

Effy sighs, "I did try to tell her how stupid she was being, how trying to push you away was only going to hurt you more."

"So you actually discussed it?" You hear your irritation.

Effy nods, "That's what we were talking about yesterday when you walked in."

Your lips purse, "Shouldn't be surprised, you and Naomi keeping secrets from me about this is par for the course."

"Em, it wasn't like that. I've always tried to reason with her but you know how stubborn she can be. She convinces herself that she's protecting you and nothing or no one can shake that belief."

You sigh, "I know, even I have trouble sometimes but I still felt left out, like I was the one who didn't belong."

"Em, you're the only person that matters to Naomi, she loves you so completely and always has, nothing else is important." Effy reasons.

You frown, "That's not true. She loves Gina... and you..."

"Of course she does, but it's not the same, nothing comes close to how she feels about you." Effy states sincerely.

You look at her sleeping, you understand that sentiment because it's exactly how you feel about Naomi too, "I know..."

"I'm really sorry I didn't tell you. To be honest I didn't cope that well with the news, so selfishly it was easier to pretend it wasn't happening." Effy says sheepishly.

You squeeze her hand, "it's ok, I understand why both you and Naomi acted the way you did, doesn't mean I like it, but you were respecting her wishes."

Effy nods.

"Speaking of which, when Gina gets here, I need to talk to you both."

* * *

"Bugger!"

Even though it's a whisper, the word reverberates around the room as one of the plastic cups in Gina's hand falls to the floor spilling coffee everywhere.

You immediately rise, "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, shame I can't say the same about the floor." Gina says exasperatedly.

A tiny cough, "Or my bed..."

You turn to see the liquid seeping through the sheet.

"Seriously Mum, as if I didn't have enough on my plate, now you want to add second degree burns to the list." Naomi chastises playfully.

Gina looks horrified, "Oh love, I'm so sorry. I carried it all the way from the canteen but it started to burn my fingers, the plastic is really thin..."

You lean over and gently kiss Naomi, "Don't be mean."

She smiles, "I apologise."

You smile back, "I'll get a nurse in to clean it up while I talk to your Mum and Effy ok?"

A small nod as she takes your hand.

"Hopefully we won't be long." You turn away but Naomi tugs you into another quick kiss.

"Alright, come back soon."

You extract your hand and leave the room followed by Gina and Effy. You speak to the nurse about Naomi's bedding and ask if there is somewhere the three of you can speak privately. She points to one of the family rooms and you motion for the others to follow you down the corridor. Once inside you shut the door and sit down, they stare expectantly at you.

"So is it my imagination or does Naomi seem much brighter today?" Gina questions.

You know you'll have to broach the subject carefully, "a little bit I suppose."

Gina breaks into a smile, "I knew telling her you were thinking about leaving would shock her into action."

You nod, "Yeah, it did. We had a really good talk last night when I came back."

"Honestly, I told her if she stopped putting all her energy into being nasty to you and concentrated on her own health it might give her a few more weeks."

You shift slightly and Effy stares knowingly at you.

"That's not why Naomi seems happier is it?" She questions.

You can't look her in the eye.

"Emily, what's going on?" Effy pushes.

_Be strong_, repeats over and over in your brain. This is what you agreed, what you said you'd do, it's what Naomi wants and everything you do should be about giving the woman you love exactly what she asks.

You exhale slowly, "Naomi's tired, she's not sure how much energy she has to fight this anymore, it's taking all her strength and the reason she keeps going is because of us, the people she cares about more than anything."

A sob escapes Gina's mouth and even Effy looks close to tears.

From somewhere you find an inner strength, "I promised her we'd take her out of the hospital so she could die in peace, surrounded by her family, somewhere that wasn't so sterile. To do that I think we need to get her discharged today."

Gina's face crumples, "my baby..."

"Wait." You say gently as you finally make eye contact. "I don't mean it's going to happen today but I'm scared if we don't get her out now, when she's still Naomi, they won't let us leave at all."

Effy nods, "At least if we get her back to the flat we can do what the hell we like when the time comes."

Gina sniffs, "Or do what the hell Naomi likes..."

"I know it's hard, but all of us can see the toll it's taking on her, trying to be strong or mean or whatever else she thinks we need, this should be about us doing what's best for Naomi in her final days."

Gina gives you a weak smile, "you've accepted it now haven't you?"

You shake your head, "I'm not sure I ever really will but Naomi has and that means, no matter how hard it is, I'm going to try to do the same."

Effy stares between you, "Then I guess we need to have an awkward conversation with her doctors."

* * *

The three of you sit across the desk holding hands in a linked chain for support. You've made your request and the consultant, all tanned and relaxed after his skiing holiday, stares quizzically at you.

"You do realise I can't let you take Naomi home?" He questions.

You stare back, "Actually, it's got nothing to do with you. It's what we've agreed and all you need to do is sign the release form."

He shakes his head, "My duty as a doctor is to prolong Naomi's life and to do what's in her best interests."

Effy snorts, "Really? The Hippocratic oath? It also says you won't administer a deadly drug or suggest one doesn't it? So tell me, at what point would upping Naomi's morphine to make her comfortable change into a fatal dose?"

He looks uncomfortable, "I resent that implication..."

Gina stares at him, "you might resent it being said out loud but we all know it happens. Stopping people suffering I believe it's called, or at least that was how it was presented to me when my mother was ill."

"I... I..." He splutters.

You sigh, "please, we're not trying to threaten or judge. When someone you love is dying, you always wish you could stop them suffering, it hurts to see them in pain. All we're asking is that instead of Naomi being here we'd like to take her home so she can die in familiar surroundings and be with the people she loves."

You all look up as 'Doctor wanker' enters the room, he stares warily at the group, "You asked to see me?"

"Hmmm, yes Michael..."

"It's Matthew..." He says with a resigned sigh.

The consultant tuts, "Of course. Anyway, these ladies would like to take a very sick patient out of the hospital and take her home. As you've dealt with her while I've been away I want you to tell them why it's a bad idea."

There's a pause.

"Actually, I think it's a good idea."

Your head snaps round.

"Excuse me?" The consultant queries.

"Naomi is going to die, being in a hospital won't change that, so shouldn't we do whatever we can to make her as comfortable as possible?"

I smile gratefully.

"Being in a hospital where she can get the care she needs is surely more important?" The consultant counters.

Matthew shrugs, "I'm not sure we can give Naomi the same level of care she's been getting. Not because we don't want to but because she has three people who are only focused on her."

"Interesting theory, so will you sign the papers?" The consultant asks slightly smugly.

"You know I don't have the authority, but I'm happy to go on record and confirm the fact I advised you to do it in this case, I think it's the right course of action." He states.

The consultant takes out his pen and with a theatrical flourish he writes his signature next to the relevant sections. "There you go, you may take Ms Campbell home. I hope you know what you're doing."

Gina's eyes narrow, "Probably more than you do."

You leave the office and Matthew smiles at you "Doctor wanker did ok in the end eh?"

You redden, "Oh, so you know about that?"

"I've been called worse."

"Thank you for sticking up for us in there." You state.

He digs his hands in the pockets of his white coat, "I learnt the hard way, it's pointless arguing with you. Good luck."

You smile as you walk towards the room, "think it might be a bit late for that but thanks anyway."

* * *

You stir and rub your eyes as you check the time, Naomi is sleeping in her own bed and one of you has always been at her side. You smile as you remember the relief on her face when she found out she could go home, leave the hospital. You know it wasn't just about the surroundings either, it was a slightly oblique way of telling her, that you, Gina and Effy had accepted the inevitable.

Gina walks in, "There's fresh coffee in the pot, I'll sit with her for a bit. Maybe today will be a good one."

You nod, aware of the fact you monopolise Naomi sometimes, but you're so scared of not being there when she needs you or when something happens, it's hard to let go.

"Maybe I'll take a shower, leave you two alone for a while." You state.

Gina smiles, "That'd be nice."

As you walk out of the room you hear Gina reading to her.

"Do you remember this? Bobby Bushtail. When you were little you insisted I read it to you every night and even though you knew how it ended you always cried at the part where he was lost and alone in the woods. I knew then you were always going to care deeply about things."

You walk to the kitchen and pour the coffee before you make your way back to the lounge. You sit on the sofa and hug your knees to your chest as you sit staring out of the huge windows. It's only been a few days but Naomi has deteriorated quite rapidly. Initially she was happier but gradually you can see her slipping away bit by bit.

The hospital gave you a drip to provide pain relief, you're doing it more and more, either larger doses or increased frequency. It means Naomi isn't always lucid, she doesn't always recognise where she is, sometimes she doesn't even know who you are. But the moments when you can see the fug clear are priceless, the ones where she connects completely to you again and you know she remembers everything.

She's stopped eating, at first you tried to coax her but in the end you realised she was in too much distress so you insisted you all stopped trying. The grateful smile you got in return will stay with you until the day you die.

So like Gina all you and Effy do is take it in turns to sit by the bed, read to her and feed her ice chips to keep her hydrated. You tell her a mixture of things, some of it from newspapers, some from books or poems and sometimes just memories. Even when she's not conscious, you know she hears, that she listens and takes it all in.

Effy comes into the room, pours a coffee and mirrors you position as you both sit on the sofa and stare into nothingness.

You look up in surprise as Gina enters, she shows you the cone of ice chips that haven't been touched and you glance at Effy. You all thought you were prepared for this day, but you quickly realise you're not, it's too soon, not enough time.

You go into the bedroom and see her lying there. You thought she was frail before, but it's nothing compared to how she looks now. Naomi stares into your eyes, pleading and it reaches deep into your soul, the way she always has done, the way only she ever can or will.

You smile and nod, the relief on her face is evident. You walk back into the lounge.

"We're going out for the day."

* * *

You wait for the taxi, Naomi is wrapped up in layer upon layer, wearing the stupid hat she bought and you all cuddle her to make sure she's warm. The cab arrives, you get in and give the driver instructions. You stare out of the window, it feels spring like even though it's barely over winter. There isn't a cloud in the sky and it's one of the days you love, sunny, warm and the light is amazing.

You arrive at Primrose Hill and Naomi smiles, she looks at you and you know it was the right choice.

"So what's special about this?" Gina questions.

"It was one of the first places Naomi took me on a date when we got to London. She spent ages on the Internet researching it. It was all a bit scary for us both, uni and being away from home so we came here on a picnic, drank champagne...

A cough.

"Ok, prosecco. But it was one of my my favourite dates. You look over London and it's beautiful, not that intimidating at all, you realise there's space and it doesn't have to be claustrophobic."

Gina and Effy smile as they put down the blanket. You unpack the food and continue to converse. Naomi's head rests in your lap and every now and then you glance down and see her beaming back at you.

Effy grabs your camera, "a few more of you two and us all eh?"

You nod and pose as if you don't have a care in the world, if you try hard enough you can almost convince yourself it's true, almost.

The sun starts to set and Effy checks her watch as you tidy away.

"I need to go, if I break my curfew I'm screwed before I even start." She says apologetically.

Naomi manages to sit and hug her, Effy blinks away her tears. "Love you, even if you annoy the shit out of me and you owe me rent."

"Take... it out... of my... estate."

"How did you never make it as a stand up comedian?" Effy asks.

Gina smiles sadly, "I'll go too, I'll see you both back at the flat ok?"

You all know it won't be back at the flat, nor will it be both of you...

"Bye... I... Love... You..." Naomi rasps.

Gina strokes her cheek, "my proudest achievement... I love you too."

They wave as they walk away and leave you and Naomi alone. You clear the food away and sit back down as the sun begins to set.

Naomi sits between your legs and rests her head back against your shoulder, you hold the camera out and take a last picture. You wrap the blankets tightly around you both, you take care not to squeeze too much in case you hurt her fragile body, it feels like she could snap in two.

Her breath becomes ragged as she increasingly struggles to take in the precious oxygen she needs.

"I..." She swallows, "love..." Another gulp, "...you."

You gently kiss her and whisper in her ear, "I love you too."

In spite of all the layers and your body heat she shivers.

"Do you want to go some where warmer baby?" you ask in a futile attempt to deny what's happening.

With supreme effort she turns towards you and shakes her head. You wait patiently for her to speak, and your heart breaks a little more, if that's possible, when you see how hard it is, her chapped lips move slowly and her voice is barely audible.

"Can't... we... just " She coughs.

"sit... like..." A swallow.

"this... for..."

"a... bit?" She finishes exhausted.

You look into the blue eyes, the ones that'll never diminish in brilliance in your memory, the ones that you'll reminisce about in years to come, the light's fading. Your gazes convey how much you mean to each other, how much you'll always mean, and how much you'll miss one another.

You nod and she smiles as her eyes close.

You lean in and place a kiss on her lips, you press harder than you've done recently, she's not in pain anymore.

You turn back to see the dying embers of the evening sun fade away, tears cascade down your cheeks as you give her a final, gentle squeeze.

"Yeah, we can, for a bit."


End file.
